Анотация на книгата
Which are the features that define femininity? Where does our inability to receive stem from? Does profound change always come with extreme pain? Is there a formula for lasting harmony and happiness in a relationship?
The author discusses with a lot of love, understanding and respect for the reader universal problems of the contemporary couple and the modern woman. The book includes various exercises and techniques for visualization and meditation that will help you find the way to your feminine essence and feel more self-confident, serene and strong.
The attached interviews and the test for diagnosing and developing of archetypes come as a special bonus for Nataliya Kobylkina’s loyal fans.
“Only when you feel satisfied and accomplished as a person, you can create an adequate relationship where both partners are of equal value. If your own opinion of yourself is low, you are constantly haunted by the suspicion that people confirm it, even if they do not”, Nataliya Kobylkina persuades us in this fresh and inspiring book of psychotherapy.
Биография и факти за автора
Наталия Кобилкина е първият и до момента единствен сексолог и семеен терапевт в България, който провежда обучения по сексология, зрели и хармонични отношения. Завършила е Научноизследователския институт по семейна системна психотерапия и медицинска психология в Русия. Има диплома по психология на бизнеса, работила е като бизнес треньор и директор Човешки ресурси, практикува като НЛП коуч и специалист по Ериксонова хипноза.
Постоянен гост на телевизионни предавания („Шоуто на Слави“, „На кафе с Гала“, „Апартаментът“ на Марта Вачкова, „Часът на Милен Цветков“ и др.) и автор на статии за печатни и електронни медии (сп. „Ева“, „Жената днес“, „Максимум“ и др.), днес тя изнася лекции по сексология пред аудитория от 10 до 500 души, дава индивидуални консултации, провежда тренинги за личностно развитие в България, Великобритания, Италия и други страни по света. Автор е на бестселъра „69 съвета за секс от Наталия Кобилкина“. Наталия Кобилкина създава „Учебен център по сексология и щастливи отношения“, където работят експерти в областта на сексологията и семейната психотерапия.
Откъс от книгата
Nataliya Kobylkina - „A Woman’s Guide to Happiness“
LOVE ALWAYS COMES ON TIME
● Meaningful and fulfilling relationships come to us when we are ready for them.
● We, as women, are attractive to the opposite sex because of our ability to show our vulnerability.
● Each time we put the others above ourselves we pay too high a price for that.
Yes, our important encounters take place right on time – not a moment earlier or a moment later. If we are not ready, we just do not notice the men around us and we are unable to express our feminine energy.
During my seminars I usually ask the ladies to name some of their most valuable qualities, to say how they would like their lives to change and to address their wishes to the Universe. Many of them share that one of their deepest desires is to learn how to be real women, how to be charismatic and evoke love, how to become the only one for their man and create harmony and beauty in their lives.
I have noticed that quite a lot of women point out as some of their most valuable qualities their perseverance and the fact that they are real warriors and never give up. They are proud of their ability to achieve everything in life through their will and strength. Such victories bring satisfaction to our EGO and feed it, filling us with pride because of our success. It is not a bad thing to be persevering and consistent, on the contrary, we should know how to be self-assertive and pursue our goals. But remember, our primary feminine role is to be like wonderful flowers and then men just like bees are attracted to us because of our beauty, softness, vulnerability and readiness to surrender.
In nature each flower is different. There are flowers with thorns that are really difficult to get close to. There are flowers which are very rare – legends are created and books are written about them. There are flowers that are very common but they still bring joy to our lives. And even though we are so different, one thing is certain – each flower blooms when you treat it with love and care. Every feminine heart is hungry for love and when we let ourselves listen to what it has to say, we can truly open up to life. At least once for each woman there comes a time, when she is ready to turn her back on her fears and worries and forget about precaution and security – then she can only listen to her heart, full of yearning and desire, which is screaming to her: “I need to love and be loved!”
This is exactly the state of being from which the path of the happy woman begins.
The truth is, that it is very difficult to prosper in this men’s world by mostly expressing your feminine qualities, but while masculine traits could really be useful when it comes to professional interactions, for example, they can only serve as obstacles for achieving true fulfillment in our personal lives and relationships with men.
Another essential point, if we really want to be happy, is to never, ever put anyone else above ourselves. Because every time we do that, we pay a high price. The best thing that happens after my seminars is that all women choose themselves and understand they should come first in their own lives. Yes, they keep pointing out among their most valuable qualities loyalty, caring nature, devotion to their families, but they are no longer willing to tolerate being belittled and taken for granted. They learn they deserve to be respected, cherished and even worshipped and also that they can inspire their partners and exert positive influence over them.
TRAITS THAT DEFINE FEMININITY
● When we lack our inner focus, we keep seeking for external validation about the choices we make.
● It is essential that we learn to achieve closeness and real intimacy in our relationships.
● Mature attitude involves the ability to manage and deliberately choose our emotions.
What are the characteristics defining femininity? What does femininity mean to you? First, let’s start with C. G. Jung’s concept that we all have a female aspect of our psyche, called ‘anima’, and a male one, called ‘animus’. So, every one of us possesses both a masculine and a feminine side. Some of the typical traits that define the male aspect in each one of us, regardless of our sex, are self-confidence, ability to set goals and chase them persistently and even aggressively.These qualities are mainly representative of and associated with the stronger sex, of course, in which they are generally more pronounced. However, if a woman’s father was weak or absent altogether in her childhood and adolescence, she may adopt those masculine qualities, may develop a very strong animus and her anima may shrink, since these two counterparts in us are interrelated. As a result of this such a female will keep attracting males with a strong anima and a weak animus.
Let’s now regard the typically female qualities. If we have to put the focus on one such quality, it is receptivity, that is, the ability to receive. If a woman is not capable of receiving, she is not capable of being a real woman. Giving is so much easier. Receiving is difficult because it often makes us feel insecure and uncomfortable about owing somebody something, about being indebted. It can be rather frightening to surrender responsibility for something in our life to another person, especially if we doubt their capacity to cope with the situation. So, it requires a lot of trust to do so. It also takes courage to overcome the apprehension that by receiving we might turn into a burden for the giver. What makes a woman truly and irresistibly feminine, is her ability to open up to the world, to be able to receive, to surrender and be vulnerable. Other aspects of the feminine nature are delicacy, grace, softness, tenderness, care, devotion, beauty, emotionality, sensitivity, flexibility, love of detail, focus on the process (as opposed to the masculine focus on the outcome), ability to do a lot of things simultaneously, humility (inner peace) and, of course, patience.
WHERE DOES THE INABILITY TO RECEIVE STEM FROM
All children love their parents but they are not always around for them in their young years. How do children feel in such cases? When youngsters start shouting, crying and screaming, it means they need something. And they interpret the absence of their mother and/or their father as a betrayal. If their desires and needs are not met and nobody seems to pay attention to them, they start experiencing pain and rejection, while the fear that they will never get what they desire grows roots in their minds. That is why so many people feel skeptical and guarded when it comes to attaining closeness with another person. True intimacy can never be achieved if we are unable to open up and show our vulnerability.
We Have All the Answers Within Us
I often get asked by my clients: “How can I be a good parent?” Before answering this question, let me first explain that when children are young they feel small and completely dependent on their mother and father who are bigger and stronger. Parents certainly cannot and should not indulge all their kids’ whims and wishes. However, every time they refuse to do something, they should try to explain very clearly and honestly the reasons for that. This is actually the best and shortest piece of advice I can give about parenting. Thus children feel respected and they will learn to respect their parents back.
When we are young we also realize that the others (our mother, father, teachers and tutors) know much more than we do. And we learn to care about what people would say, whether we would get approval for our actions, and instead of pursuing our own goals, we start chasing those set for us by our parents. Certainly, this is something that happens quite instinctively and unconsciously.
When we do not possess our own inner focus (which means, we keep looking for answers outside ourselves and we are disconnected from our souls and emotions), we constantly seek validation from people around us about the choices we make. We want to get their approval because we do not trust our own ability to make the right decisions. Another way of looking for guidance outside of ourselves is when we keep reading and rereading clever books and watching films, studying the characters’ behaviour in the hope that this could help us figure out how to live our lives.
On the other hand, if we are mature enough, we learn how to gain control over our passions, instead of being slaves to them and we develop the ability to understand and manage our emotions. However, this does not mean we should try to suppress our emotional nature – forfeiting that aspect of our being will make our life extremely boring and dull. The key here is to have good knowledge of ourselves, because it is the lack of self-awareness and connection to our authentic self that make us look for solutions in the outside world and expect others to provide them for us.
ALL THE ANSWERS ARE WITHIN US, AS LONG AS WE CAN IDENTIFY AND TRUST THEM.
Our inability to receive stems primarily from our fear of asking for what we need. Because saying out loud “I need” means admitting publicly that we lack something, that we are vulnerable. For many people, who in their young age felt rejected by their parents, saying out loud “I need” equals pain, humiliation, rejection and hurt.
BUT THIS COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!
The Need for Closeness and the Parents’ Role
How do we build closeness and intimacy? Babies need to be breastfed not only because their mother’s milk is best for them but because breastfeeding creates emotional bonding between the mother and her baby. Children who were never breastfed or who spent the first months after being born away from their mother, will usually carry the imprint of that deprivation for the rest of their lives, and such condition is often diagnosed as “fear of intimacy”.
How do we know that we suffer fear of intimacy:
– We experience problems with our relationships;
– We cannot fall in love;
– We fall in love with the wrong partners (married, living abroad etc.);
– We have addictions (food disorders – bulimia, anorexia, addiction to alcohol, tobacco, gambling, and even addiction to love);
– We get involved in co-dependent relationships;
– We avoid close relationships – we cannot share a home with a partner;
– We constantly change our intimate partners and we prefer casual affairs;
– We fail to express our feelings and needs.
We should not underestimate the essential importance of intimacy and closeness. People’s needs are not limited to food and shelter. Education occupies a higher level in the hierarchy of needs, but education alone is not sufficient for us to build self-confidence and self-esteem as individuals. We need some appreciation and supportive attitude by those we consider important and close to us.
EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS TWO BASIC NEEDS – THE NEED FOR CLOSENESS/INTIMACY AND THE NEED FOR FREEDOM.